piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I didn't notice because vodka
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
