So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
