god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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