Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
