Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
