Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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