I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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