Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
