Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
