That's intense
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
