If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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