Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize