Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
