Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
