I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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