Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
