Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
