Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
