The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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