I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
