Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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