i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
