Swine flu. Run for my life!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
