I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize