he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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