fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
