My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize