I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just high enough for therapy.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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