Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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