if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize