I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
