Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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