I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
