I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
