Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
