apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
