he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
