He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
