just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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