She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
