So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
