Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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