I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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