OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
