woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize