Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
