Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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