I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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