my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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