We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
