My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
