why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
