I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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