If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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