I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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