the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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