I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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