I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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