I seem to have left my pride at pride
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
