my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize