mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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