Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Semen is not good for contacts.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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