hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
