I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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