i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Shame - the story of my life.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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