i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
