I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
