I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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