just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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